This is where the debate on Choice Motherhood between Mikki Morrissette and Robert Franklin continues. All registered members of PublicSquare.net are invited to join in.
Choice Motherhood: Is It Harmful to Children?
(20 posts) (19 voices)-
Posted 2 years ago #
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Robert:
I thank you for the opportunity to help make more people aware of Choice Motherhood. While there is no point in adding to our particular debate on this topic, I do want to reassure you that I in no way condone women tricking men into having children they don't want -- or, in the case of accidental pregnancy, keeping those men out of the child's life if they actually want to be a co-parent (that is, if they do not have abuse issues or other important ingredients to being a positive influence on the child). As I pointed out, most women would prefer to have a healthy partner in raising their children.Mikki
Posted 2 years ago # -
I do not feel I made a choice to take unnecessary risks with my daughter's future well-being when I made the decision to become a choice mom. I definitely made calculated risks, which is what every parent does when they decide to conceive a child. Not every single parent is going to be a responsible caregiver, but there are numerous married parents who are not ideal role models either. I feel that Mr. Franklin ignores the scores of emotionally, physically, and financially healthy women who undertake this venture, and even worse does not attempt to consider the factors that result in the single motherhood experience.
I began planning for my daughter 10 years in advance. I found a gay donor with no interest in rights. I worked to build a loving and supportive network of friends and family. I made a safe, stable, and nurturing home. With a degree in Education and a work-from-home software career I am knowledgeable and high-earning. Yet because I have not met 'Mr. Right', I am to be forever denied the experience of being a mother? My lack of dating acumen dictates an empty and unfulfilled life?
I cannot begin to count how many times I have heard, 'You're so lucky' from other women. Women with abusive husbands, women with absent husbands, women in horrible custody battles and single women grieving for the babies they never had. Arguments like this are hurtful and ignorant; what about women who have lost a husband? How are they to feel? Should we tell them that they might as well give up and hand their children over to a happily married couple?
I struggle daily with the decision I made and the decisions I have yet to face, but I do not EVER entertain the thought that my choice was a poor one. I look at my almost-two-year-old daughter, happy and well-adjusted and the joy of my every waking moment, and while it may not be ideal, it is our family. Mr. Franklin can tell horror stories and show numbers, but the fact of the matter is society is a few hundred years behind on the definitions of 'marriage' and 'family' still, and I for one intend to keep on proving him wrong.Posted 2 years ago # -
I find Robert Franklin's reasoning flawed and his attitude hateful and clearly biased by his own personal convictions.
He states:
"In a nutshell, her argument is that some—or even most—children of single parents turn out all right; therefore single parenthood can be a good family structure. But the mere fact that certain children of single parents don't necessarily suffer the host of ills so many of them do is no argument for the acceptability of single-parent homes. To do so would make no more sense than arguing that it's okay to smoke because most people who do don't get lung cancer."Ok, then, by this same argument, people shouldn't have children AT ALL. Many marriages (close to 50%) end in divorce and while there are very few studies that show the impact on children of choice mom homes (I'd argue this is a subcategory if single-parent household and needs to be researched independently), there are many many studies that show the negative impact of divorce and unstable households on a child. So, since there is a risk of children of married households suffering from the ills of divorce (which statistically is about the same as a coin toss) then married couples should not have children either.
Second, Mr. Franklin implies that Ms Morisette is being dishonest by not pointing out the dark side of how some choice moms become parents. He fails to acknowledge that virtually every scenario involving a human being includes a dark side. I know of countless marriages hastily thrown together because the woman becomes pregnant. And "trapping a man" through getting pregnant is a common enough cultural phenomenon for it to appear in modern media and film. You can't tell me that those scenarios are any darker than the rare instance of a single woman choosing to get pregnant through shady means, which I'd argue is far far less common because of the simple fact that we, as women, have alternatives to one night stands. Why would we risk disease, drama and possible paternity suits when we can go to the doctor, order up donated sperm through a bank, and get pregnant in a much less drama inducing manner. And even for those who want a less clinical/less expensive approach, there are many community forums of co-parenting groups, or known donors who are friends or gay men, willing to be involved without taking a parenting role.
I am a choice mom and I am part of several support groups and have attended events locally for women who are choice moms. I was honestly shocked at how many of us there were. Not only that, but that I was in a group of peers. Choice moms come from a variety of backgrounds and can become parents through a variety of means (known donor, sperm bank, adoption, embryo donation, egg donor, etc etc etc) but all the women I met, without exception, were highly educated and successful in their chosen field. All the women I talked to, without fail, had come at the decision to become a choice mom gradually and weighed their options carefully. Like me, many took years to prepare and finally choose this path.
I would also challenge Mr Frank to contact any local Department of Child and Family Services or public foster care system and ask them if they are willing to consider single parent homes. I am a foster to adopt parent and I can tell you that in my training and home study process the department I work with made it clear that PERMANENCE is what matters to a child, not the number of parents in the household, the income level, or the gender of the parent(s). Children need stability, love, and a parent or parents with the ability to provide a safe and stable home with consistency and love.
The minute you start making generalizations about who should and should not be parents, you do us ALL a disservice.
The FACTS are that there have been virtually NO studies on choice motherhood because it is a relatively new phenomenon. Studies 20 years ago are hardly valid, and the studies that do exist are studies of single parents with no regard for how those single parent homes came to be (MANY of them through divorce). You cannot argue that the number of parents was the factor when many other issues are at play (poverty, divorce, history of abuse).
I am also a product of a single parent home. My dad died when I was 5 and my mother never remarried. We were poor, my mother was irresponsible and an alcoholic/drug addict, and my home life was completely unstable (moving every 4 months, living in dangerous environments). I still managed to get straight As, join sports teams, get a scholarship and go to college, and graduate in the top of my class. I now work a lucrative career and have had much personal and professional success. One of my brothers is a decorated special forces soldier, one of my brothers is a drug addict and repeat offender with a felony arrest record. I'd argue that it was our environment and not our lack of a father that led to the poor outcome for one of my brothers, but two of us were able to still rise up out of poverty and I don't think it would have mattered one bit if my mother had a husband around if we'd lived in those same conditions. So really, things need to be looked at on the merit of the individual and the environment.
Heck, look at our President. He was raised in a single parent home, and had an unconventional family upbringing, including a time when he was being raised by his grandmother.
Mr Franklin's assertions only serve to prove his own ignorance on this subject and his need to cling to old fashioned views of what a family unit looks like. Or maybe he just has an irrational fear that if women can do it on their own, the role of men in society will become obsolete.
I would urge him to go back to his books and read some more and maybe ask for some more current studies to be done before he seeks to castigate a very small, and highly successful percentage of the "single parent" community.
I'd like to conclude by saying that Ms. Morisette's group is providing a huge benefit to society. Not only is it a community for already choice parents to go, but it is a great resource for those thinking about taking this path and those in the midst of trying to become parents. It offers resources, facts, and peer support to many women and I'd argue it helps prevent the "dark side" scenarios by informing women of the means for becoming a single mother by choice in a responsible manner and it is a forum for discussionthe challenges of being a single mother which provides those considering this path with valuable information with which to make an informed decision.
Posted 2 years ago # -
We can argue all day about the best environment for people to raise a child. I am sure that you and I can find something wrong with everybody's situation. I see situations everyday where I don't think that people should have children. Should people in the Army have children. They get deployed and can't be there for their children. They put themselves in harms way and can get killed. Why should a child have to put up with that trauma and risk. The bottom line is that there is no one right way. People should have the right to chose whether or not they have a child. We should be very careful about limiting that right. I am done wasting time justifying my choice to people. I made the choice based on my personal situation and I am doing the best I can. If you want to help fine but don't hate. You aren't helping my kids or yours.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Goodness, Mr. Franklin, it sounds like no child from a two-parent household ever got into any trouble, was abused, was murdered by a parent, or even had a negative report card. Yes, my sarcasm was intended. The statistics you cite are from all single-parent homes ... and they are daunting, yes. However, I urge you to look at the demographics of single-parents as a whole vs. Choice Moms. Notice anything? You should. Choice Moms or single mothers by choice are typically older, more educated, have a higher income, etc., upon first becoming moms. We are not typically in our teens or 20s ... and many, many single-parents (the larger group) are. That means their educational attainment is limited by some very real issues of availability, family support, income, and time. (I got my masters in my late 20s and my doctorate in my 30s, and had my child in my early 40s.) Their incomes are also limited by their ages and limited experience. Choice Moms have advantages, and thus can afford their children advantages that other single parents may not necessarily have.
Please try to narrow your attention to a more delineated group of peers, Mr. Franklin. Or else I will have to widen my view of you from a narrow-minded person to a grossly misinformed idiot. And you wouldn't want that, would you?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Women who trick their boyfriends into getting them pregnant or who passively allow that to happen in an "accidentally on purpose" way are not "choice moms." It's true that there are a lot of women who do that, but that is another discussion. Choice moms do this as a careful, conscious choice using a sperm bank or a known donor who knows exactly what the plan is.
As for research, there has indeed been very little research on educated, middle-class women choosing to become single mothers. What research exists tells you exactly what you'd expect: the kids do fine. Here is a link to a synopsis of the relevant research that was available in 2007, when I wrote my book on this topic:
http://www.knockyourselfup.com/Excerpt%203.htmlMr. Franks arguments do not hold water because he is talking about an entirely different kind of single mother. Yes, poverty and trickery and lack of planning and lack of education are bad for kids.
What I found most interesting in my research was a study that showed that the kids of single moms, even when below poverty level, had good educational outcomes IF they had an educated, savvy mom who was plugged into good community resources.
Posted 2 years ago # -
How ironic that Robert Franklin dismisses Mikki Morrissette for using anecdotal evidence to back up her argument - and then does exactly the same to back up his own position!
He also displays a shocking level of ignorance of what it means to be a single mother by choice - lying to a man about your pregnancy is *not* what it means. I suggest a little more education is in order
Posted 2 years ago # -
Many excellent points have already been made, but let me add this simple reminder: Thousands of men in the U.S. and around the world donate their sperm so that women of all types can create families. It's so typical of Robert to not only find fault, but place it all on the women who want to become mothers.
Posted 2 years ago # -
*Intentionally* having a child without a spouse is nothing less than child cruelty.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Some readers took offense at Robert Franklin's comments, however, I thought he went out of his way to show that, while single parents could be excellent parents, statistics of all kinds show that children coming from dual parent families tend to do better.
I was lucky enough to have two loving and educated parents who sadly have both passed on. As much as I loved my mother, I cannot imagine my life without a father, who took me fishing, tossed baseballs with me, taught me math, science and biology - and most importantly, showed me what it is like to be a man - something my mom, no matter how dear I hold her, would have been hard placed to do.
I have my own 14 year old daughter now, and I do my best to teach her about Life as my father did before me. We ride horses and play soccer together. I take her to dance classes, talk to her about boys, help her with school projects. She is well liked by her peers, gets straight A's, and is an all round wonderful person that I'm tremendously proud of.
If my daughter had grown up without a father, she would have doubtless loved her mother and might have been quite healthy and successful, but she would have never known the love, joy and strength a father can give his children.
I think that growing up without a father would be rather like growing up colorblind, able to see everything in black and white, but forever missing the wondrous colors Mother Nature has colored her pallet with.Posted 2 years ago # -
Wow! I believe that a psychiatrist would probably have a field day with some of the comments posted here. Why do some people feel that anyone who disagrees with their point of view or says something that they don't like is just being hateful? Sounds like some folks are overly defensive about their "choices."
I am a father by choice but a single parent as a result of circumstances that were beyond my control and I believe that Robert Franklin's comments are right on target. As he stated, there is plenty of unbiased, objective research that clearly shows us what common sense should already tell us: the average child simply does better in a stable, two parent family. If we truly love children and are more concerned with what is best for them than we are for what is best for ourselves, shouldn't we strive to provide the best environment for them to grow up in?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mr. Franklin never says that single parents, regardless of their reason for being single, can't be good parents. In fact, multiple times he points this out and even expresses confidence in Ms. Morrissette's abilities as a parent.
"Choosing" to be a single parent is all about a person's "wants" and does not put the "needs" of the child first.
Posted 2 years ago # -
It's pretty clear from the evidence out there that single mothers produce the world's future criminals: http://goo.gl/I8Rw . This isn't an opinion, this is a statistical FACT.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sadly Franklin is a member of Father's and Families. Does anyone see anything missing here? This group has literally attacked abuse survivors online and offline. One of the higher members of this group showed up at a recent taping of a nationally syndicated show with his shirt tails out - tucking his shirt into his pants, in essence halfway dressed.
They have attacked abuse survivors and even the child witnesses and survivors. One notable case is that of Holly Collins and her children (grown children now) Jennifer and Zachary. Jennifer Collins 23 year old college student living in the Netherlands after her abused mother was granted asylum there, has written several pieces on Glenn Sacks, the founder and co-writer Robert Franklin.
They support men (mostly abusive men) who are angry over child support obligations and who are also angry that they are no longer given control of their victims. So GS and RF attack the children who witnessed or suffered horrific abuse at the hands of an allegedly loving father.
I agree that a home and being a parent is what you make of it. I am a single mother due to abuse and divorce - a divorce that happened because of the extreme abuse at the hands of my ex-husband. He has also abused our children - especially our daughter.
Things supported by these columnists and those who support them are indeed scary. One need only search for the Father Manifesto and the original signatory of said document to see some of the scary thoughts and beliefs that are held by some.
Mikki you have danced with the devil and as far as I can see made some excellent points. I am an older mother myself, I do not make much money as most women who choose single motherhood, but I do give my children everything I can, often sacrifcing items needed for myself so they do not go without. I know my children will grow up healthy and happy (for the most part) and hopefully with a lot of endurance, I will show them that your partner should never resort to violence as a way to control and intimidate you. My children are excelling in school and it has been said they have wonderful personalities and are normal happy children - even given their circumstances. I was in fact told today by a state CPS investigator that their father, my ex-husband, is an idiot due to his controlling ways.
Too bad he cannot see it. I hope all here who choose single motherhood no matter their income level or background, will just remember one thing. Children only NEED one person to love and care for them as long as they have everything they need. They might not get everything they want, but their needs are being met. Do that and be a source of emotional support for your chidlren as they grow older and move into their own lives as adults and you will have done your job as mom. And that is all most of us want in this life is to experience the joys of motherhood. And some of us do not want to be beaten on a daily basis in order to experience those joys.
Thank you.
PS Apologies in advance for typoes. My typing sometimes leaves a lot to be desired, and I wanted to put this in here for the time when the father's rights cruisers and trollers show up to stomp you wonderful mothers down.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mz Petunia Pigg....I am trully sorry for the abuse that you and children suffered at the hands of your ex. Things like that should not happen and it has long lasting effects on the victims.
Sadly, the hyperbole you are spewing shows how jaded and biased your opinions are against males and fathers, and it is clearly a result of the your experiences. With some professional help, you may see the reality that all men are not controlling abusers who beat thier spouses and children, but loving fathers who care for the well being of not only their children, but spouses as well.
Did you know, or more to the point even care to know, that peer reviewed research actually shows that spousal abuse is almost equally shared between the men and woman? That woman abuse men as much as men abuse woman? Some people will show, and rightfully so, that women suffer more serious injuries from this abuse. But they will more than likely not mention that the number of serious injuries that men suffer from women is actually rising while the numbers for serious injuries suffered by womem from abuse is dropping. Nor will they mention that if you are in a Lesbian relationship (Woman to Woman relationships) you are far more likely to suffer abuse at the hands of your female partner than you are from a male partner. Interesting, don't you think? Clearly this shows, much to your chagrin, that this is strictly not a male issue.
Fathers and Families fights for fathers rights. Whether you like it or not, we do have rights. Maybe you should actually READ what is posted at the site instead of demonizing it. The irony that I am seeing here with this blog is that Choice Motherhood is looking to legitimize a womans stance of single parenthood by showing thier strengths (and they are strengths) to allow others to see them as the good parents that they are. Fathers and Families is trying to do the same thing, but are being slammed by so many others here. So Fathers and Families is wrong and Choice Motherhood is right because...? Oh that's right! Because we're male, and according to you (Mikki et al) we are all drunken bullies and abusers. So-which one of us really has the problem?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Just a follow up....looking at your name Mz Pigg, I could not help but notice that you have linked it to a site called glennscult.blogspot.com.
This site, set to "expose the hatred of women all over the world" is an excellent example of what fathers and men are subjected to on a daily basis. Considering the name, it is easy to see that Glenn Sacks and his crusade for equal rights for both parents has offended the author. They have gone out of their way to riducle not only Glenn, but men in general. It is pretty disgusting stuff. I understand that there are men who done some pretty horrible stuff to women (and still do) but generalizing that all men are like this really diminishes your arguement. To be blunt, you Mz Pigg, and the others that subscribe to this websites philosophy are no better than the men you are railing against. Your posting now just reeks of a smear job. And we are supposed to trust you with the care of our children?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mr Franklin,
You have said some pretty harsh things about me and my choices. I feel that your position is extremely entrenched and that no argument nor any statistics will sway you from your determination to view me as insecure, selfish, focused on my own wants and not considering my child's needs, and as someone taking an unconscionable risk with my child's future.
I wonder if you had walked with me through my journey to become a Choice Mother that you might view my position with a little more compassion and understanding? If you had been there when my relationship ended because my partner was unable to commit to staying sober and making a home with me; if you had been there as I was approaching forty and was told that my fertility was declining rapidly; if you had been there as I spoke to counselors, family and friends to discuss how to fulfil my dream of having a child; if you had been there through the months of blood tests and invasive medical procedures; if you had been there as I spent thousands on pursuing my dream of motherhood in an ethical and carefully planned way. And if you had been there the day I found out I was having a child after months of negative results. If you could see how my lovely father, an Episcopal minister, has committed to help me raise my son; how my wonderful brother who is raising his one year old daughter has committed to help me raise my son; and how my friends who live in the neighborhood, good, loving men in stable relationships, with families of their own, have committed to help me raise my son, would you be so quick to say that this 'parade of males' will create continually changing loyalties for my son, and double his risk of being physically and sexually abused?
And if a sample size of one is too small you could come to any Single Mothers by Choice group and meet women who are pursuing their dreams of having their own families, and doing it with courage and humor, with support from family and friends, with the belief that they can offer their child or children a wonderful, rich, fulfilling life.
Instead of vilifying us, I would second Mikki's words and request that you join us and put all hands on deck to create as large a pool of strong parents as we can get. We are not enemies, simply people who want a world that is a safe and loving place to bring up children, and where men and women treat each other with respect.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I agree with Morrissette on that quality parenting is more important than quantity, but I do not agree with the part that she says that the majority of choice mothers prefer to parent with the right partner. I know several single mothers by choice, in fact, many of my girlfriends from University became choice mothers, and all of them did it, not because they didn't find the right partner, but because they think is uncomfortable to parent with somebody else, and that a father is not necessary. All the single mothers I know are always complaining that men are like having an extra child, they take time away from the children, and that having children in a marriage is uncomfortable because you have to deal with another person's opinion and you can't do what you want, and the first thing they say is that they don't need a man in their life and they are very happy about not having a man. Maybe Morrissette would like to parent with a partner but sincerely, I don't believe that the majority of single mothers by choice do it because they haven't found the right partner. I think the majority do it because they don't want a partner in their life and maybe Morrissette is trying to hide that.
Posted 2 years ago # -
You need to get the attitude & attitude right. It's difficult enough to awaken everyday and kick pacquiao vs bradley butt. And without getting the best attitude/attitude you will not do what must be done to proceed everyday. Obtain a number of CD's and books that you could pay attention to or read everyday. On welding training subjects like confidence, self-empowerment, motivation etc.
Posted 17 hours ago #
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